Exclusive – Pirate-talking witch says, “The Big Book it rules!”

Ahoy, this be for all ye mateys out there who be telling me, “I soooo wanna be you, Baba Yaga.  You can totally do whatever you want. You don’t have to take no guff from nobody.” Blimey, that be a shipload of bilge. I bets you seven pieces of eight you not be saying that if you knows about The Big Book of How Things are. So I be giving you the poop.

Blog6 -Big Book

It not be like I wants to live in a house with chicken legs or paddle around in a poky Blog6 -Planksmart-mouthed soup bowl or get older when some swabby he be asking me a question.  But The Big Book says I gots to. When I be a witchling I goes, “Fie! I grabs that Big Book and makes it walk the plank.”

Me mom she sez to me she sez, “You can do that Baba Girl, but Blog6 -Cockroachyou’ll also throw away all the rules that keep things the way they are. Then anything can happen. Cockroaches could become witches. AND witches could become cockroaches.”

Blog6 -Witch

Stap me vitals, I not be wanting to be askeered of questions, but I not be wanting to be a cockroach even more. Arrr, so Baba Yaga be Baba Yaga, chicken legs, soup bowl, and all.

Mateys, I be loving our little chats, but for now I hoists me anchor and sails away. Next month I be blogging about me one big love. Aye aye, it be a thing. Wait for it.

Baba Yaga’s Seasonal Saga

Blog5 - Fireplace

I sits in front of me Yulea logga;

With me matey and his blacka dogga;

Outside me house thar be thicka fogga;

Creeping over from the bigga bogga.

Me matey guzzles a mugga grogga;

While I sips a cuppa egga nogga;

And we toasts you all with thisa blogga.

May all yer doubloons be solid gold and all yer spells be charming.

PS: Me matey Pat and me we be thanking the South Sound Scribblers for they inspiration.   Blog5 - Mistletoe

This just in – Pirate Captains get scared too

Arr, me mateys, how went yer Halloween? If’n you not be reading me blog in time, Blog4-BYinbedmayhaps you got yerself scared by a creature using me spine-chilling Halloween tips. Well, don’t be feeling like a stupid idiot. Remember, even a big bad witch name of Baba Yaga shivers her timbers under her covers at night when she thinks about some swabby asking her questions.

And even me big bold pirate captain dad had him the vermiphobia. Any time he spied Blog4-Boothim a worm he be stomping it into the ground with his size 19 boots. “Worms be EVIL, Baba girl,” he sez. “Just ask Captain Blue Tooth Jaggli. No, avast kiddo, you not be asking him nothing.  Aye, aye, he be resting in Davy Jones’ locker.” That means he be deader than dead.

Captain Jaggli had him a handsome pirate ship called the Swiss Raider. One day on theBlog4-Worm way to an epic raid he spotted 15 worms dancing a hornpipe on the deck. He be in a hurry so he lets them stay. That be one huge mistake. They not be yer cute wiggly garden worms. They be hungry ship-eating wood worms.

The ship she sailed away from the raid full of loot. She also be so full of worm holes that Blue Tooth should ought to have renamed her the Swiss Cheese. That ship she sank lower and lower and lower until all that be left of her be a few ripples on the water. Then, nothing.


Rats and slugs, I be extra thankful me flying soup bowl it not be made of wood. I doesn’t have to have me the vermiphobia. Son of a sea dog, what if we all sat us down and had us a think about the things we not be afraid of? It might could become a thing.

Blog4-SandwichSon of a son of a sea dog, but that be heavy stuff. I be ready for me blue rose tea and a grilled cheese sandwich while I works on a holiday greeting for you, me mateys.

Baba Yaga’s spine-chilling Halloween tips for ghosts, ghouls, and goblins

Ahoy, all me fiends, I be feeling yer pain. You looks forward all year to Halloween. But then they kiddies runs away from you as soon as they sees the cut of yer jib.  So how for you gets close enough to give them the gen-u-wine monster scare? No probs. Baba Yaga gots yer back.

Blog3-ghostIf’n you be a ghost, you puts on a sheet. Make sure it looks like a sheet. Arr, it could even have pirates on it. You sneaks up to a kiddie, taps him on his shoulder, and goes “BOOO” in a fakey voice. The kiddie sez, “You’re in big trouble, Tommy. You know mom told you not to scare me.” He rips off yer sheet. You goes “BWAHAHA” and you passes right through him.  GAAA, Epic creep fest!

If’n you be a ghoul, you puts on a rubber chicken mask. When a kiddie shows up you Blog3-chickengoes “Cluck, cluck, cluck” and struts around doing the chicken dance. They kiddie she be larfing so hard her eyes be closed. You slides in real close, whips off yer mask, and goes “BRAAAINS.” Yo ho ho, her timbers be shivering like she be in a storm at sea.

If’n you be a goblin, you puts a coat over yer head so it looks like part of yer body. Then you sticks a false head on top. You lurches over to some kiddies TP-ing a tree, tears off yer false head, drops it on the ground, and goes “Aaah, that got rid of my headache. Anybody else have a headache? I can fix it.” You opens and closes yer fingers. They runs away so fast they be leaving a trail of smoke behind them.


But – and this be one huge but. If’n a kiddie sez, “Arr fiend, Baba Yaga be me matey” youBlog3-Candy backs way way off. Or mayhaps you gives they kiddie some candy for being so smart.

We be talking more about fears next month. For now, all I gots to say is – Happy Halloween mateys, whoever or whatever you be.

The secret is out – pirate-talking witch has quantephobia

Quante-who? That be a thing? Aye, aye, quantephobia be a 500 gold doubloon word for fear of swabbies asking questions. Arrr mateys, it be true. Big bad Baba Yaga be afraid of a few weenie questions. But I has me reasons.

When I be only a witchling me mom she sez, “Baba girl, beware of questions. They makeBlog 2-mom witches like us get older. Pretty soon our skin is all wrinkly, we can’t stand up straight, and our teeth start falling out.”


Blog 2-bowlI thought she be feeding me a plateful of bilge so’s I not be asking her anything. Until one day. I flies me soup bowl over to the schoolyard. That day I be late and thar be only one kiddie left. He gives me the stink eye and he opens up his mouth. I is never seen a mouth that big on a kiddie. That mouth it be firing questions at me like they be the cannonballs me dad shoots at Blackbeard and his crew.

Blog 2-kidSomething be happening. Me skin it looks like a prune, me back it Blog 2-bybends so far over that me chin sez hello to me knees, and me teeths they waggles back and forth. Son of a son of a sea dog, me mom she be right.

Only one thing be saving me. I sez, “Bowl, heave ho for home, double time.” As soon as we clatters down me chimney, I grabs me a flagon of blue rose tea, drinks it up, and yo ho ho, I be meself again. But that shivers me timbers so much I gets the quantephobia.

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Ahoy mateys, we be talking more about they phobias next month. Now I gots to fly. Halloween it be coming at me faster than a speeding soup bowl and thar be a shipload of things to do. I be seizing you later.

Pirate-talking witch writes first blog ever

Baba Yaga_sepAhoy me mateys, Baba Yaga be blogging. Son of a son of a sea dog, it be a family thing. Me dad he be writing in his captain’s log every night even if he be dead on his feets from doing his pirate stuff.  And me mom she be forever scribbling down spells in her witches’ notebook. Sometimes they smoke it be coming offa her pen. Then she cackles and snorts. Shiver me timbers, thar be some good old-timey blogs. Now it be Baba Yaga’s turn.

Vulture_sAye, aye, I be blogging at you from deep inside the Cedar Woods. Don’t waste yer time looking it up on you computer thingies. You isn’t finding it and you doesn’t wants to come here anyway. The vultures in they cedar trees be giving you the stink eye while drool drips offa they beaks. If’n you sneaks by them with yer liver still in yer body, thar be me house.

Me house she gots her two big chicken feet. She be stomping you into the ground if she not liking the cut of yer jib. If’n you escapes the stomping, you still not be getting inside unless you sez the secret words, which be “w0 xfdf vncn y sdjf.” Oops, me house she shakes me up so’s I not be telling you the secret words. Jfiicreric. Avast me house, I gets it.

Har, har, har, this be more fun than watching a one-eyed parrot dance the hornpipe on a hot stove. But I gots to go now. It be time for me grilled triple cheese sandwich. I be blogging at you again next month. Until then, check out me matey Pat’s website at www.patstarzyk.com. Her ‘What’s New’ page be giving you the poop on me and me Troubles. And send me yer favorite pirate words. Arrrr, we be having us some deep pirate talking. Mayhaps I be telling you one of me secrets.