“Ahoy, Baba Yaga,” me friend sez to me the other day she sez. ”It was all ‘shiver me timbers’ on Talk Like a Pirate Day. What does that mean anyway?” Well mateys, here be what I knows and what I thinks about it.
The first time I heard of they shivering timbers I be but a witchling. Me pirate dad he whammed his thumb with a hammer. He started out going “Aw, shi…,” but then he spied me watching him so he finished up with “…ver me timbers.” I asked him what that “shiver me timbers” meant when it be at home.
He told me they timbers be the ribs of a ship. When a storm blows in it picks up the ship then slaps her back down. That be making her timbers shiver. The swabbies they gets all surprised and mayhaps a bit afeared so they sez to each other they sez, “Shiver me timbers.”
Arr, “shiver me timbers” it be a mock curse on account of you can say it and even yer grandmother not be giving you the stink eye. Son of a son of a sea dog, that be giving me a killer idea. Why not we be writing our own mock curses? That be making they lingo live and grow. More on that next time. But for now, may yer timbers never shiver.
Arr, they challenge be that you writes you a 100-word story using “cauldron,” “shiver,” and “howl.” Here be me story (with help from me matey Pat) and I be sticking to it.
The wolf, the witch, and the cauldron
“EEUW!” The cauldron shivered. “Not eye of newt AGAIN. Totally slimy.” It flipped over and dumped all the eyeballs out.
“Hey,” the witch said, “I needed those for my wolf-repelling spell.”
Bad timing. A wolf burst out of the forest. But as he charged at the witch, his front feet slipped on the eyes of newt. He somersaulted into the cauldron.
“Too bad I’m a vegan,” the witch said. “Although hmm, maybe I COULD go for some wolf stew.”
The wolf shot out of the cauldron and sped off. The witch and the cauldron howled with laughter.
If’n you wants to read you more Halloweensie poop (or do one yerself), go here
So when a lubber sez to another lubber he sez, “Hey John, the boss told me to show you the ropes,” it means he be teaching John about they job. Stap me vitals, that be a waste of a epic phrase!
Here be how I sees it going down. Say you gots you a swabby with some important poop he not be spilling. You dangles they ropes in front of his mug like so:
When he spots those ropes he be singing his guts out like as if he be in a fancy schmancy opera. Yo ho ho, he be telling you things you not even be asking.
Ahoy mateys, happy Talk Like a Pirate Season. The other day I be cruising around in me flying soup bowl to see if anybody they be talking pirate-style. That’s when I heard two lubbers yammering. One lubber he sez to the other he sez, “That’s a killer idea, Frank. Let’s run it up the flagpole and see if anybody salutes it.”
Stap me vitals, that not be pirate talking but it should oughta be. “Run him up the flagpole” be a perfect punishment for they worstest skulldugger of all time. He lies up there while they Jolly Roger whaps him in his forehead, they seagulls uses his face like as if it be they poop deck, and they rival pirates larfs themselves silly when they spots him with they spyglasses.
Son of a son of a sea dog, I bet they be a shipload of sayings out thar waiting for they pirate spin. Me brain it be thinking on some. Whaddya say, mateys? You gots you any ideas?
Aye aye mateys, today we be covering the ecstasy and the agony that be yer pirate-style baseball season.
First, they good stuff: When yer star player he be hitting a walk-off grand slam you jumps up from yer seat yelling, “Thar she blows.”
But then you figures out yer team not be making they playoffs – yet again. You sez to yerself you sez, “Stap me vitals, what a Black Spot I be in.”
Only one thing be getting you out’n The Black Spot. It be…
You gots you they whole off-season to mend yer broken heart. And Baba Blogga Yaga she be right thar with you.
Yo mateys, we is just finished up with Players’ Weekend. That be whar players gets to wear they nicknames on they jerseys. Now I be thinking ahead to next year. And I be thinking mayhaps they be wanting them a couple pirate-style nicknames. Such as they following…
The Swabby be the mug what sweeps everything away at the end of the day. Arr, that be a ideal name for yer closer.
The Landlubber be the mug what likes him the solid ground. Arr, that be yer star outfielder what face plants and makes him a diving catch afore they ball it touches the ground.
I is uncovered 2 (count ‘em 2) cases of skullduggery in they baseball park.
Skulldugger #1: The speed demon. Wanted for wanton stealing of bases.
Skulldugger #2: Springfoot. Wanted for grand theft of a home run away from the batter.
If’n you catches these skullduggers in the act you be sending over the boo birds to drop a big one on they heads. Les’n they plays for yer team. Then you be giving them the standing O.
If’n you not be having a roof over yer stadium, some times you gots to batten down the hatches. This also be known as a rain delay.
“Blimey!” That be what everybody sez when the umpire he calls the infield fly rule. Why for? On account of nobody understands they infield fly rule. They just be hoping the other guy does.
“Ahoy, bullpen,” be what the manager goes if’n they bases be loaded and thar be no outs. He calls for the flame-throwing relief pitcher.
If’n the batter he gets too close to the base, they pitcher throws him the swashbuckler that sez to him it sez, “Back off.”
The freebooters be they players that be kicking the ball around the field when they should ought to be firing it to first base. They gets themselves a error.
Avast be what the batter sez when he be wanting a time out. Mayhaps they umpire be giving it to him, mayhaps not, if’n he not be liking the cut of the batter’s jib.